ARMOUR, When Feelings Stop Hurting
At Pen:
Amour
I saw him today. Downstairs , 5 steps away from me , I saw him . In a black shirt, brown hairs unfurling aimlessly in the air. He has your laughter. He laughed openly . He has grown more handsome.
I was standing in my balcony. I no more stand here alone. The air in the terrace bring kisses that are died from you. He doesn’t know me . He looked at those beautiful jasmines in my garden in a shocking gaze. I planted those jasmines when we were together. He has your blue eyes. Five years after we had broken up, I saw you smiling in a photograph with her. Does she make you happy? And now your son has those blue eyes like you do. When I was looking him walk through the street, I remembered the childhood photograph of yours that you showed me once in our garden.
I didn’t love jasmines until I met you. But now I can’t let the smell of those charming jasmines stop its affair with my nose.
It is raining today. I came home early. I was sipping a hot cup of coffee. The radio was belting out ‘Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa nahi. It is a beautiful song. Do you remember this used to be the favourite song on your playlist?
We met at a family gathering. I had the deep desire to talk to you when we met. I saw you sipping the salty lemonade intermittently. I still remember how we looked each other into eyes on our first date. We had chocolate pancakes and lemonade at the purple café.
When we hugged for the first time after I cried to you , I felt like a postcard hidden under the pages of a favourite fancy diary. You told me that I looked beautiful when my curls dangled freely in the air . When we would fight , you would kiss straight into my lips and mutter countless apologies in my ear.
I look at the garden. The jasmines are emitting ethereal aroma in my balcony. From the corner of my balcony , I saw a letter fall lazily from the dusty flowerpot of my bedroom. I open it . It is your letter.
“Niyati,
I thought to pack in some jasmines . But do you still love those even after leaving me? I don’t know what love looks like. It is sometimes the presence of happiness sitting right beside you but mostly it is the irreplaceable absence of you these days. I no more question to myself what went wrong between us. When you left, for a long time I held hard to hope. But hope gives you illusory joy until the reality sets in . It is no more heart breaking to roll thoughts about your absence . When you left , I wrote about our memories and read it everyday until it the pages became watery, and planted jasmines in my backyard.
I know that you felt a void in me. Sometimes too much love is just not enough .But I remember the love I read in your eyes for Aarav. He is a nice person. He will keep you happy. I know that we can’t start over . I know that the distance between us speaks more of comfort than love ever does.
I still love you . The broken pieces of my heart are still in love with you. Love is sometimes stringing hope in the fragile fragments of our hearts. The love we refuse to forget , holds us more in the radar of grief.I love you always.
Love,
Nikhil"
I didn’t read this letter for a long time until now. It has been a decade almost since we broke apart. I don’t know what went wrong. You were not my mistake. This is the lie we keep on telling ourselves when love doesn’t work. It was my mistake to break out from a beautiful umbrella we created.
I felt a bit selfish when I was walking away. But this manicured love passes away. Feelings stop hurting. I was then too torn to differentiate between a loveless affair and a heartbreak. You just eventually turned to be a savior in my loneliness than a romantic lover. I couldn’t pretend to love you when love stopped blooming between us.
The times we had was beautiful. You’re a good person. Maybe I have still buried love for you in the layers of my heart. I broke two hearts .I broke mine too. I am scared now. I no more fall for anyone. You know that night whispers more secret to me than my guilt ever does. I am not capable of loving anyone else. I wish that our paths cross in future. We will talk about the times that made “us" memorable. Ask me what forever is ? And I will tell you that love stories that make it through marriage and old age are not epitome of “perfect “ forevers. Sometimes it is about living a moment,staring at the moon and spilling all fears that you tell someone in person , the joy of hugging someone for a second after a long sleepless night.
The smell of jasmines was overflowing the corners of my house and “tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa nahi” was belting in the background.
In a parallel universe , our love still speaks of mending each other’s hearts wondering if love never ends like the tales my grandmother chanted to me when she met her love in the 70s.
Amour.
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